


Eizen vs Squirrel

by phalarope (mniotilta)



Category: Tales of Berseria, Tales of Zestiria
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 12:46:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mniotilta/pseuds/phalarope
Summary: Eizen and his favorite animal fight.





	Eizen vs Squirrel

**Author's Note:**

> GUESS WHO FINISHED WATCHING A LET'S PLAY OF TALES OF BERSERIA, HAS A FEVER, AND IS PUTTING OFF DOING MY LAB REPORT, IT'S ME
> 
> this is inspired by the one skit about squirrels 
> 
> i am very sick right now
> 
> shoutout to the user Yboiveth who gave me a very good idea to use in this fic

Eizen woke up in the mroning and he put on three paires of pants because he's the boss of himself and there are no moms. he's the mom. he's a mom making a difference and he does whatever the fUCK he wants. one of the pants peiars was a snow pants, because it is snowing outside, and cold, so cold. he felt super goth with his snow pants, black with skull and crossbones on them. even back in then when he was a child (500 years old) he was a goth. assigned goth from birth. he arrived this world in the same gear that those german cybergoth industrial rave dancers that hang out under bridges. there are four genders in this world and i have made you a list  
  
german industral cybergoths: dezel, eizen, simon, velvet, rokurou  
people who love nightcore: lailah, mikleo, definitely sorey, alisha, eleanor, me  
geminis: edna, laophicet, rose, magilou  
the hidden forbitten gener, fuckboys: zaveid  
  
he smelled the outside and a snowflake went up his nose. he held up his middle finger at the sky. it was frebruary or whatever the equivalent month is in this world. late februrary. but on the mountain it sitll snows.  
  
Edna was still asleep and ezien was going on his morning run. he equpiped is snowboard after taking it out of his inventory and did some SICK SHREDDING DOWN THE SLOPE. his bad luck has always existed so he ran straight into a tree.  
  
ow, he said, even though the impact of his RIPPED ABS had split the tree in two, causing an avalanche down the rest of the mountain. he got himself together and was going to industrial rave his way back up the mountainw hen he noticed something in the snow  
  
in him kncoking down the tree, he had destroyed a squirels nest, and the babies were flopping around in the snow like magikarps. like magikarps, all of the squirre's stats were bad, even their IVs were shit, they were shitty squirrels who could not properly utilize the true power of a hyper beam, but eizen felt bad for them.  
  
"i will raise you, my children" he boomed, and put them into his snowpants for warmth. fast.

* * *

when he went back to wheever the fuck they live, i guess jus tout in the open because most seraphs don't have houses?? sure he reaches the top of the mountain and announces that he is home. a rock gets flipped over and edna unfolds herself like a paper mario character out from underneath it.  
  
edna smiles until eizen takes out like four squirrels out of his snowmants (snow pants for men)  
  
"what teh fuck are those things" esays edna  
  
"they are youngo squirrlos," replies i zen  
  
"what are you going to do them"  
  
"breastfeed" eizen said, ripping his shirts off and placing a squirrel up to his bare nipple  
  
"NO!!!!!" YELLED EDNA, CAUSING ANOTHER AVALANCHE. "YOU WILL LOSE YOUR NIPS"  
  
"ok fine" says edna. i mean eizen sorry i was laughing too hard ay myself. eizen materializes a mesh fishnet t-shirt and furry arm neon green arm sleeves. "do you know what squireles eat edna"  
  
shrug. "nuts maybe," she says. "  
  
eizen  
  
  
focuses really hard on the ground and summons some nuts and puts him in his teeth and amshes them iup into a fne paste and feeds teh squirrels with his mouth like amother bird, except, this is not how y ou feed baby squirrels at all. but he does it anyawy.  
  
edna looks away in shame at her brother  


* * *

eizen suggessfully raises all four beautiful squirrel babies. there names were jimothy, tomregory, gronathan, and betharine. they were very nice and let him touch them and they ran around his body like forest demons. sometimes when shadows would come he would send his squirels to attack and they would. wai ti mean daemon wrong series. squirrels acannot be corrupted by malevolence because they are pure neutral evil to begin with.  
  
anyway this one day eiaen was sleeping undereneath a rock and he heard angry squirrel noises and he woke up and was going to see what the busienss was and it was his favorite squirel, jimothy, causing a fuss  
  
"what is it, jimothy, my child?" out of his chilren jimothy had the best stats. jimothy made soem squirrel noises.  
  
"a chanllenge?" eizen was able to tak to squirels because he went to college and majored in animal communication.  
  
Jimothy was challenging the authority of eizen to remain in the mountain. "This mountain is not big enough for the two of us, Eizen," Jimothy explained. "I feel it in my bones, that there is a force out there that compels me to do this. Call it God, or Fate, but I believe that you must make your case to the Universe and see if you truly belong here. Because, Eizen, my sweet German underpass goth parent, I believe that you are needed elsewhere. There is a path that you must follow, and I, Jimothy, the eldest of your children, must thrust you down that path. Thus, I challenge you to a match of strength. Leg wrestling competition. If I win, I get to take something from you. If you win, you get to take something from me"  
  
"ok"  
  
  
They assumed the leg wrestlng position. eLIZen smiled. this wil be measy. a squirrel cannot loose to a goth.  
  
but then, Jimothy ran up his leg and bit him, and Eizen screamed, and Jimothy SUBDUED him instnatly, but he did not stop there, he kept climbing all over eizen but with EXTREME FURY, the match was over but Jimothy had to prove a point. there would be no turning back from here.  
  
jimothy sat atop eizen's body. "Eizen, you have lost. Now, I get to take something from you. I choose the mountain."  
  
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yeleled euzen. but it as too late. the squirrels carried up off the skide of the mountain and threw him off, never to return.  
  
anyway that's the real reason why eizen can't come hang out with edna, because only geminis are allowed on the mountain (the squrirels are all geisnimis, how are they all geminis you miht ask when they were born in the winter? SHUT UP being a gemini is a mental state more than anyhing else).

e  
nd


End file.
